Alexander the Great: Part 1 - A Champion is Born

This is Philip II. Apparently. All these
old face statues look identical to me.

Alexander the Great was one of the greatest conquerors who has ever lived. Beginning in Greece, his empire stretched south through Egypt, back up north towards Afghanistan, Iran, and a number of middle eastern countries you hear about on the news but can't quite match on a map, and finally so far east as to reach India to quarrel with elephants. Alexander was the original rock star - well, minus the music. He became rich beyond reason, had as many women (and men) as he pleased, fought in the front lines of his army despite being their ruler, and drank to the point of such wild excess that he died barely into his thirties. As any man, he also had a number of faults - excluding the whores and drink, which at the time was seemingly as taboo as sneezing is today. Violent, angry, cruel, and ambitious at the cost of countless lives of others, Alexander wasn't necessarily "great" in the traditional sense. He was great in scope and size; great in the way that the sky and ocean are great. He was larger than life, so much so that he was quite convinced he was a god. In fact, there were quite a few that would readily agree with him.

Of course all of this didn't happen in a day. Alexander was born in 356 B.C. into a position of royalty, son of Philip II and the heir to the throne of Macedon, a land in northern Greece. Philip was in the process of moving south to consolidate his power across all of Greece, and by the time Alexander was twenty years old (when I was twenty I was playing World of Warcraft - also, still today) and ready to take the thrown, he would have all of Greece under his rule - somewhat. Sparta and Athens, historically the strongest Greek cities, resisted the takeover but not so strongly as to openly revolt. They were mostly in a "fine, rule here, but don't try to boss us around" situation. He left it to Alexander to deal with that problem.

In spite of his status as royalty, Alexander wasn't given a free ride, far from a spoiled child with everything handed to him. He was made strong by a denial of luxury, and to some degree necessities. It made him strong, resistant to pain and familiar with starvation and thirst, characteristics that would play strongly into the roles later in his life. (Come to think of it, it probably didn't help with his streak of cruelty.) That isn't to say he wasn't given advantages, however; from the age of five he was trained to be a warrior, but also taught in math and sciences. He was taught by none other than Aristotle, thought to be one of the greatest minds of all time - right up there with Alex Trebek (rumour has it no one tells him the answers, he just knows if they're right or wrong). All of this created a powerful man; trained to fight by what we can assume are the best Macedon had to offer, and taught by one of the Greeks' finest. He embodied the core of ancient Greek culture; full of logic and reason, but ultimately violent and cruel.

Alexander on the left and Hephaestion on the right. How could
Alexander ever resist those luscious curls?

He also had a few, shall we say, interesting parts of his personal life that may disrupt the manly-man 300 (or 300: Rise of an Empire!) archetype we would naturally assume he was. What might surprise you is he was quite bisexual - leaning towards the male persuasion if anything. He was particularly enamoured with Hephaestion, a man whom he deemly loved and followed him on all of his adventures until his death. This wasn't really an issue back then. There wasn't a stigma around homosexuality until around 400 A.D. when the Christians came and told them that they just weren't doing it right. Many men - particularly military men - saw their wives as breeders, a means to further their family name and not much else. Now, some of you may be thinking "wow, this is surprisingly socially progressive! This is awesome! Why can't we just be more like the ancient Greeks, and be that accepting?".  Well. They didn't just like men. They were quite fond of... well, young men. So uh... lets just forget about that. He did have multiple wives and countless whores too, by the way.

As for his non-sexual partners...

Aristotle tutoring Alexander. This is proof
that school has been boring students
for millennia. 

Alexander and his father were vastly different. Philip had the ability to withhold his anger, and prefered subtlety and tricks to gain power over his adversaries. Alexander held no such control; he preferred brute force and decisive action. While they both drank heavily, it would set the younger in a violent rage directed at his friends (you'll hear more about this later), but the father at his enemies. In a sense, it worked for the two of them; you would likely not want to be about brute force when your empire is still at least relatively small, but Alexander could afford that risk when he already has a large enemy at his beck and call. I would guess that Philip's style helped him to consolidate his power in Greece, while Alexander's ambition and force helped to take that and further an empire. What a team, right?

Well, not quite. Their relationship was rocky. His father married Cleopatra (not that Cleopatra) which upset him as he became worried about his rights to succession. There was already the typical stress of impatience, as Alexander felt he was ready for the main role but the boss didn't feel like stepping down. Making the problem worse, Cleopatra went and popped out a second kid that was a male. What followed was a large Maury-esque family feud, in which Philip may have implied Alexander wasn't up for succession anymore. It caused quite the rift. Philip then went east to Asia minor to begin a conquerin', where he was assassinated - which is either an incredible coincidence or Alexander had a hand in it. In all fairness a scorned lover of Philip stabbed him, so it might have actually been a coincidence, but it's also likely Alexander may have paid him to do what he already had reason to do regardless. 

Either way. Philip is dead, and in comes Alexander. Taking the reins at the tender age of twenty, he stood poised to strike into Asia against the long-running enemy of the Greeks - Persia. Awaiting him were vast deserts, countless battles, and an army led by Darius, the King of Kings.

Uh oh.